I found this a chilling reminder of what can be conveyed by silence. What is the message taken when we look at a woman's bruises or subtler indications that she is in a violent relationship or struggling with memories of past abuse and say nothing? Have we given a strong message that we think she deserves the violence, or must just put up with it because there is no option, when we thought our silence was avoiding saying or doing the wrong thing? Have we given a strong message that past or present violence should not be spoken about here, or anywhere?

After one talk I gave about the importance of taking on the issue of violence if many students are to learn, one man talked to me afterwards, and said he was very wary about taking this on. He seemed to be particularly worried that as a man this was not something he could address. I responded with the story I have just told. I suggested that it might be even more important to take the issue on because he is a man. I argued that there is no neutral place for a man. He is either identified with the abuser or offers a different model of a man, one who respects the woman's right to be free of violence and to set her own boundaries. He can challenge assumptions that all men are violent or confirm assumptions that they all approve of violence. One male computer instructor recognized during a workshop that if he was careful about distance as he helped women at the computer and always asked before taking over the mouse or the keyboard, he would model respectful boundaries. In this way he could reduce the possibility that women were fearful of his presence and distracted from learning by their anxiety. Students from one program had told me that the gentle man who taught them computer skills and was very careful about touch and distance had been extremely healing, helping them to learn and to imagine the possibility of men who would not be violent.